Monday, October 21, 2013

Ashes and beauty

What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?                                                                 
                                                                                                  Romans 8:31

     As I lay on my white tiled bathroom floor, staring at the bottom of my toilet, one word replayed over and over again in my mind....
     "Failure. Failure. Failure." Interrupted only momentarily with a pronoun, "You're a failure."
     I couldn't keep my children safe from illness, I couldn't help the Haitian people while lying in my bed, I couldn't serve anyone when I myself needed to be served.
      I felt miserable, but what made it unbearable was the knowledge that my children felt even more miserable. 103+ temps, digestive issues that I'll leave to your imagination, lethargia. House visits from a wonderful Haitian doctor. Prescriptions. The children bounced back. Everyone was doing ok. Maybe I wasn't a complete failure. We could pull it all together. We've got this. God's is for us!
     Then Jyeva got worse. She was allergic to the antibiotics they had available. We searched and searched. The doctor told us it was time to think about getting her to the United States. The reality quickly came crashing to us. It was very difficult to keep the children well in Haiti. Our work was going well, exceptional. Our children were not faring so well. 
     And so we made the difficult decision to come home, get everyone well. Re-assess. Plan B. 
     Then, Jyeva got worse. High fever, still untold digestive issues, too quiet for her usually chipper self. As we traveled down the mountain to Port au Prince at 4am on Friday. I looked out the window at those beautiful mountains, Caribbean Sea peeking out from the bay below, and felt like my dreams were dissolving with the early morning mist. Then I quickly jumped into Mom-mode and focused all my energy on getting my little girl to good health. I prayed, "God, I'm gonna need help here. Send me the people I need in my path today. Fight Jyeva's battle for her. Give us strength." 
     And as God always does
           He heard my prayer before I even uttered it. He answered my plea in ways that would be revealed to me in the coming hours.
    I saw dreams dissolving in mist, God saw the incense of my prayers rising before Him.  
      I hate to fail. 2 years ago, on Easter Sunday, during the sermon my husband had everyone write down on a slip of paper their deepest fear. On my slip I wrote these words, "Failing at everything." He had us burn those slips of paper, God consuming them with His love and sufficiency. So, that's the picture I treasure in my heart when I'm struggling. God is more than capable of consuming my failure and turning it into ashes, molded into something beautiful. He is more than capable of taking Satan's arrows and flinging them back.
      Here in this Fort Lauderdale hospital, I don't know what Plan B is, but He does. He also knows Plan C,D,E, and F. He't not limited by my failures, or my successes. There is a million unanswered questions in my heart. But He has the answers. 
       The answer I heard this morning in the reaches of my heart, through His Spirit and through the lips of His Body....
       You are not a failure, my child. You are loved. You are treasured. You can only see in part. I see in Full. If I am for you, nothing can be against you. Be ready... because I have plans child. I have plans.



Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Privilege of Lekol

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.
                                                                          Luke 12:48b

    I love to watch all the Haitian school children walking along the road in their clean uniforms, backpacks on their back, ready to take on a new year of learning. The opening of school here is October 1st. We have been getting ready for it by helping Sydney (Pastor Marky's wife, and training as one of the Lutheran Church Haiti's first deaconesses) with the scholarship program. There are over 200 children in this program currently, thanks to many donors in the US and a few faithful souls that organize and advocate for more donors. 
    School in Haiti is for those who can afford it, and that number is much scarcer than you or I can reconcile in our middle class minds. I homeschool my children by choice. It is important that I recognize this choice, in itself, as a privilege and Praise the Lord for His goodness. 
     My friend posted an article on Facebook recently about the ability to choose to opt out of immunizations. Another privilege that can easily be taken for granted. 
     Electricity...can I get a shout out from the missionary wives? It is a joyful moment everyday (or every few days sometimes) when the electricity turns on. How many light switches have I flicked in my life without even considering it. Even my cold shower at night, it comes from a faucet that runs inside my house, when most of my neighbors have buckets and if they are so blessed, filters. Privilege.
     As I sat this week homeschooling my own four beautiful children, I was taken back by the privilege of education. Most of us reading this have been given so much privilege  In fact all of us able to read, able to access a computer, even not our own, with the internet, have been given a gift. We could believe we are simply born to the right people, in the right place, at the right time, all stars aligning for our future. But clearly there is more than this. If I could deny it before, I will never deny it again. Who I am, the specific time and place on this earth that God has chosen for me...they are no accident, no mistake. God has a plan for every precious moment of it, for every dark and light place I find myself in. It is all His.
    I used to find joy in the above verse because it spoke forgiveness in my life. And it most certainly still does! I have been forgiven much and therefore may forgiveness ooze from my pores by God's grace. But isn't it wonderful that God can take a single Bible verse and speak wisdom and grace over many facets of our lives? I have received much, may what I give be even a fraction of what has been given me. You have the very Spirit of the Living God living in you- What great things He has planned!